Invite for advise

How to stop people from advising me? For example like these… I have already reached my threshold with my pregnancy and people’s advise/comments/suggestions from their “experience” on many things. I don’t want anymore of them.

1. I do not want people telling me natchathiram/raasi of my child when they visit me. I do not want anyone predicting/fortune-telling anything about my baby. We are fine thank you.

2. I do not want unsolicited advises on any matter, be it on how to fix cold, or on how to go about anything for that matter. If I need advise I will ask.

3. I absolutely hate when people telling me “you look pale” kind of comments. I immediately interpret these comments as, according to their terms I look fairer than before, and according to their terms it is “good” and they cannot bear the thought that I can look better too, so they are commenting that I look “pale”. I have been tolerating when these types of comments were thrown at me like this, But I do not think I will if they say anything about my child. Not that I am a super-protective mother or a super-sensitive mother or super-sentimental mother. I think it is time the next generation gets to move on from these nonsenses. There is a possibility that my child might look like me, meaning, ugly in Indian terms. Balan is darker than me, so there is no any chance at all for my child to look “fair” or beautiful at all according to Indians. Please don’t advise me that *I* am thinking my child is not going to be beautiful etc, I am talking about how to stop annoying comments.

I suggested that we stick a notice on our door saying what kinds of comments are not welcome in our household. Balan is not ok with that. I am not ok with “smiling” at these commenters and then fuming about it later (which is what I am currently doing and have always been doing). I do not mind if I have to lose my entire social circle because of this notice.

Now, advise me please.

The girl child issue

Case 1
Many couple claim that they like girl child. They might have a boy child already. Or they say they love to dress up their child, but do not have the opportunity since they have boy child.

Case 2
Many couple claim that they like girl child. This may be their first child yet to be born. I often wonder whether they want to show off as if they are “forward” minded or are they afraid of being judged, or is really true they like girl child?

Case 3
Many fathers, mothers and father-to-be-s claim that they like girl child (including Balan and my brother (my SIL is pregnant) ). Ask them the reason. They say that they can bring up their child all daring and what not. Ask them why and how they could not tolerate a girl who was/is daring and what not, now? They do, apparently. Ask them further or observe them further. They are proud that that cannot cook. they are proud that their wives are dumbs. Balan can be excluded from the cooking bit and wife being dumb bit. No, I am not trying to flatter myself. See the next case which is about Balan.

Case 4
Many father-to-be-s claim that they like girl child (including Balan and my brother). Ask them why. They will say that they want to show the world what women can do by raising their daughter smart and intelligent. Ask them is she going to be their experimental project? You can see a blank face. – totally Balan and my brother.

Case 5
Most of my real life acquaintances (around where I live currently) could not say any happy word without a little pause, when we said it is a girl. Time to reconsider my social circle.

Case 6
Some of my family members are “disappointed” that it is a girl. Understood that they are from different generation and do not have any exposure to the outside world other than their village. So?

Case 7
What is wrong in liking a boy child? I did (read it before jumping to conclusion). Although after getting used to the idea of having daughter, I cannot imagine what to do with a boy child anymore as it sounds so alien concept now, but in theory, what is wrong in liking a boy child? What did they do wrong? Are you afraid of being judged? Don’t say things that you do not mean just for the sake of the society. Don’t feel relieved (edited to clarify 🙂 ) while you are claiming that you liked a girl child, when you know it is not a girl about which you are pleased internally. Whom are you cheating? (this is about some pretentious people I happen to come across. Does not apply to everyone.)

Case 8 (by Boo)
Hailing from a 2 daughter household, has no exposure to bringing up little boys and even scared a bit about bringing up a boy who will be a MAN one day but being a daughter herself and having had wonderful parents, she knows whats in store and actually thinks she can enjoy a daughter more than a son. As for the father, he has seen his wives relationship with her parents and compares his own relationship with his parents and thinks a loving daughter(like me!) would be better than a selfish son(like himself!). Does it even make sense?

Case 9 (by Kowsalya)
1. I am the sixth daughter and when I asked my mother why she had so many children her reply was always – she wanted atleast one boy
2. When I was pregnant, my mother in law constantly told that she wanted a grandson otherwise their lineage will not continue and since I was not in very good terms with her then, I prayed it should be a girl so that their lineage did not continue ;).
3. In all my close circle I find that the male ego dominates even when the child is six or 7 years like why should I do this work, Father doesn’t do it, so why I being a boy should do that etc etc..

So I wanted only a girl child for I cannot tolerate my son having such prejudices or if it was a boy, I WILL bring him up in such a way that he would respect girls and would not have any prejudices. Also, I agree with Boo, I think I am doing a fairly good job as a mother only because it is a girl child as I can empathise better.

About Sankar, I don’t think I even asked what was his preference ;) But when I used to tell him I want only a GIRL, he would say Whatever be the gender we should inculcate good values into that human being. He is more matured, you see )

Case 10 (by Ammani)
I wanted a girl and so did the husband. Don’t know why. Or can’t remember why. And when our son was born, I was mildly disappointed. But as the months progressed (and it kills me to say this), I’m so glad that he’s a boy. Growing up in India, I had a tough time. And always felt like a misfit, a sore thumb. I wouldn’t have wanted my daughter to go through what I went though as an Indian girl/woman.

Edited to add:
Following link is relevant to some of the issues discussed in the comment section.
Are men really from mars and Women from Venus? by UTBT. One thing that really lurks in the back of my head all the time is that, I may not mind bringing up a girl child with boyish attitudes and habits, but would I do the reverse? Nope. I wouldn’t. I would certainly discourage a boy from wearing make up. Thanks UTBT. So much to think about. Thank god it is not a boy, that I have one less thing to break my head over.

Another related link from UTBT.

Christmas came early

I always wanted (still want) to have a family Christmas celebration like the English do.  I was telling Balan that this year we should decorate, have Christmas tree and buy gifts for each other. Whenever I went towards Christmas decoration aisle in the superstores, Balan discouraged me for financial reasons. Cost of the Christmas trees wasn’t encouraging either. Next year, I told myself, next year. This year I am going to buy all decoration items in the sale after Christmas and it will be just the tree I will have to buy next year. If I haven’t collected clutter in the name of decoration collection, that is. Christmas was coming closer everyday. Last working day before christmas we (at work) all wished each other. For the first time I realised the value of distributing Christmas cards. I liked the response I got when I distributed cards. I got special kiss from a friend to whom I gave, not-gift-wraped, but carefully selected her favourite flavoured vodka. One of my team member was running to catch her coach to spend her Christmas with her family. I wanted to be her. I just wanted to swap my life with her.

The four day holiday wasn’t going to be anything big, but a good cleaning long weekend. We had already committed one day to Chakra to fix curtains and frames in Chakra’s house. So that left us with three days of holiday. As the two days weekends have never been enough to complete the whole clean, wash, iron and cook routine, I thought i should try to reach close to complete the routine this weekend. Back of my mind and Balan’s mind we have been feeling guilty for not having met up with Renga for quiet sometime. We invited Renga and family to join us for the holiday. We asked the Chakra family to join as well.

There came the Christmas.

My Christmas wish came true, only a day early. It was a lovely Christmas. There was no baked turkey, but we had baked briyani. Some messed up thingy got accepted as very tasty kuruma. I thought it was channa. My lovely methi kulambu got rejected. Why do I complain when I get to keep it all to myself?

Neither Balan nor myself realised the happening of our wish coming true and we fought a little with each other, well that makes it real I would say. But Chakra and Renga rushed to rescue Balan from me and all went fine after that.

It was Christmas.

I guarantee that there will/might be a time when we might dislike each other or we  might go in totally different paths. But no one can take this away from me that it was Christmas. Just a day early. I am hoping to continue the tradition, if Renga and Chakra wouldn’t mind joining us every year this time. This tradition is even more special for us that it was this time last year we all three families had similar time together.

Happy Christmas and happy new year.