vicious circle

has fallen back into the vicious circle again. Shame on me.


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Preparing for the parenthood

I have mentioned a few reasons why I didn’t choose to adopt. Preparing for the parenthood is another one of them. When the child in life was just a theory, we did talk about changing our attitudes, stop fighting, stop being sarcastic at each other, stop provoking each other, stop bitching…. what not. But it never stopped. They all were in theory too. That scared me every time that if I bring a child suddenly on one fine morning, we will not be ready to handle the situation. This pregnancy period hits our face with reality that the child in life is no more a theory and we have a deadline to stop theorising things and get hands on with every theory. I am glad we both are growing up. It is strange to see me ignoring my ego and letting him win a fight when I am right. Letting him win when he is right also needs a lot of effort from me to stop twisting the situation to make him wrong and me right.

I think I am ready for adoption too. I will after I have revived my financial situation.


Passed the Prince2 Foundation exam I wrote on Friday last week. 🙂

I do remember

I do remember our anniversaries. In fact this is the first time I remember ours, I mean I remember mine for the first time. Thanks to you who reminded mine all these years. It may be the truth hitting my face that you won’t remind me this year, that made me remember ours. 

We are good the way are now. I do not want to get hurt by the hot and cold relationship of ours all over again. I remember you very fondly. I wish you from my heart all the goodness you deserve in your life. I know for sure you do too. Thank you for that.

The reason why I want to send my wishes this way is that to convey you that I do and I still respect the relationship we had, however that was. Not to re-invoke the hot and cold all over again. I know you won’t like it either.

Advance wishes. Happy anniversary to you.

Other Anniversaries:
Happy anniversary to Dadoji who celebrates on 13th.
Belated anniversary wishes to Boo who celebrated on June 5th. (Boo, I am creating my database for the first time, so forgive me).

Boy or girl?

My instincts are that it is a girl.

We are waiting for the anomaly scan done, just hoping on our luck to get a sneak peek so that we can save money from having to go for a private scan. If we don’t get a sneak peek, we will go for a private scan then. It is only two more weeks to go. So we are just waiting.

I am not the patient type to wait until the baby is born. I want to know. So that I can start buying stuff!!

I am not sure I have a clear cut preference on whether I want a girl or a boy. Sometimes I want a girl, sometimes I change my mind. Having been a strong supporter of feminism, it confuses me and makes me feel guilty whenever I like to have a boy. Aren’t feminists allowed to have a choice? Aren’t feminists permitted to like boys? It just confuses me. The selfish me would like it to be a boy so that my child doesn’t have to “defend”and “explain” all the time, instead he can just get on with his life. Another selfish me wants it to be a girl who can develop herself to live her life without doing any defending or explainning. I mean, to the point that these things won’t even get any significance even in her thinking process. Then I want to show the world that this is how it is done!

Another selfish me wants it to be a girl so that she will be part of my family or I can be part of her family, for ever. Wait, if you are getting confused here, here is my explanation: Boys marry girls, and the family becomes centered around the girl. Their children are raised by that girl. It is also my observation that in many households boy’s parents get distanced by the girl and eventually by the boy too, and  it is the girl’s parents who get to be part of their life. Boy’s parents can visit, but they are not part of their life. This trend is in the increasing rate these days, irrespective of the cultural demands. Guilty as charged, it is true in my household too. But my parent’s are more involved in my brother’s life than in mine, since I prefer to keep them away from my life. If you compare my parent’s interaction with Balan’s parent’s interaction in our life, it is the formers who get to get more (Balan is the one who is to be blamed for this).

I know for sure my daughter will hate me. My son might like me. So, more selfish reasons to want it to be a boy.

I might end up pushing my daughter to achieve what I couldn’t achieve (becoming Prime Minister of a (any) country, to quote one example!) or what I haven’t achieved, as I might end up seeing her life as an extension of my own life. On the otherhand, I  might end up comparing my son with Balan for everything and might end up accusing him of being simple headed! I have a history of doing that with my brother and now with Balan.

So I want it to be a girl some days and want it to be a boy some other days.

Balan’s only fear is that he doesn’t want another Premalatha. But he wants it to be a girl. He wants to raise the girl, who will be so not like me! 😦

I refer it as her whenever I talk to her.

I refer it as him whenever I imagine/dream-about his life as an individual’s life.

I refer it as her whenever I imagine/dream-about family dinners together.

I refer it as her whenever I imagine/dream-about grandchildren (!! I know I need to stop!)

I refer it as him whenever I imagine his teenage days when he is going to be embarrassed about everything and anything about me.

Two more weeks.

I know it is going to be a win win situation whether it is a boy or a girl. So, I am actually at peace though I do not sound so.

First trial cancelled

I just have cancelled my first IVF trial which was scheduled for May in India. Personal reasons (not the one below).

Tertia’s story, her IVF trials, Luke, Ben..  I have absolutely no clue how she brought herself to go for that 9th attempt, which luckily was 100% successfull. I don’t think I can go through more than two trials. I have already cancelled one. I  might be lucky to get another trial booked this year, which takes my age to 39 (well, close to), the legal cut off age for IVFs in UK, which conveniently helps me to stop trying. I see a child free future. I am tempted to accept that option right now.

I will feel guilty to adopt a child just because I do not have other options. If at all I adopt, I should have my options open, and I should choose to adopt. I should not (don’t want to) adopt because I do not have options. This is other than the other reason I have mentioned in my earlier post. I see a child free future. I might end up being single too. I should have set him free a long time ago. I have closed his options too.

Nope, I am not depressed. Don’t say/feel sorry for me in the comment section. That would mean you do not know me. I am just being practical, ruthlessly practical, as always. Not new.

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