In which my feminism failed

I promised myself that I will not refer real incidents especially if it is about others. But I had already failed in another aspect, one can notice from the title.

A new mom-to-be was discussing about all the excitements, ifs and buts and all the theories she has in her mind about how she wants to raise her child. I just smiled for most of the discussion. ūüôā She doesn’t like advises, she said. Although another form of advise, I gave her my wisdom from my experience that people WILL advise her from now on, people WILL advise and insist on “good things” with “good intentions” that she will have to learn to ignore, and this “good advises” have only started and WILL NOT end as she enters the irreversible world of motherhood. She didn’t really absorb what I said for which I don’t blame her. I drew blank for most of the discussion as I was only required to smile and nod now and then which I seemed to have cracked. Then I heard something like “the husband watching football and the wife asking him to “help out” with the child”. Right, ok, so..? This new mom-to-be told me that she didn’t like the situation. I thought “good girl, you are on the right track”, I thought! She continued, “I didn’t like that the woman was fighting with her husband in front of the child. Can’t she do it herself? What kind of a home is she providing to that child? After all, it is her child. Ok, I agree it is his child too, but if he doesn’t want to take the¬†responsibility¬†why can’t she do it herself?”… woh, woh woh.. stop, “I don’t support that”, I feebly interrupted. “I am totally with you that you get your husband to do all the things, I am not saying you are wrong, but you know, if he doesn’t take the¬†responsibility, why can’t she do it herself? I don’t like the fight in front of the child. I am more¬†independent¬†and I can do all the things for my child ¬†myself and I don’t take help! My mother raised us like that. My mother did all the things in the house and my father worked outside. My mother did everything for us and I want to raise my children like that”!

I did not have any answer for her.

If you thought she is uneducated, from a remote village in India and/or from a “lower class community”…. You are wrong. She is British born, well educated, well earning ¬†and a (very) well dressed middle class Brit!


In another case, I was taking to an Indian man and we were exchanging information about where we are from and all that. The wife and the kids are sent to live in India in City-A as they have a small child (nearly a year old) and the older one is going to school. The guy sounded like from another state, so I asked him where he and his wife are originally from assuming that may be the wife is from the state where City-A is. He said he is from City-B which is in the state I guessed. There was a pause. I looked at him anticipating next sentence about his wife’s… it took me a few more minutes to realise that he has finished his sentences. Then I asked again. “oh right, the wife,… she is also from my place”, he said…. I felt sorry for the invisible being she has become. But I am not sure I am sorry for her.


I guess I have to thank my parents that somewhere sometime they seemed to have allowed me grow up. I never thought I would say this, but hey, never say never ūüėČ that I hope I will be able to provide my children what my mother/chithi/father provided me!



In another case, I heard a guy talking in Tamil with his friend over phone. I almost waited for him to finish the call in a curious interest to initiate a conversation with him… then moved away. I guess my love-hate relationship will continue for ever.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Deconditioning « The normal self

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