Life as a mummy

I wanted to write about how I felt when it all started my life as a mother. It was not the typical, “the moment my baby was handed to me, I fell in love with her and I was in total joy”, and all that fairy tale stories..

DSCN5521 I was in total shock when it all started. First day was fine as the nurses fed the baby with formula. My baby was all ugly and lying in a box. I was enjoying my morphine assisted rest. Hospital food didn’t look bad to me either.

Second day came, I started breastfeeding, then started the whole thing. every two hours the baby cried. She was on me for the next 30 to 40 mins in the name of feeding. Then in the next two hours she cried again. she was on me for the next 30 to 40 mins. and the cycle continued. As she did not settle and cried like hell, I asked for top up during night. So started the mixing up saga.

Days did not end as it continued through the night with every two hours feeding cycle. I started falling sleep when she was very much on me. I had to device sitting positions so that the baby doesn’t fall off when I fall sleep. When Balan’s paternity leave ran out I started panicking. My mother was absolutely clueless in handling a newborn and I was panicking how I was going to handle all by myself.

I was in and out of depression too. My mother blaming me for everything, including for the sun not rising in the west, didn’t help much either. All my nightmare dreams were about my childhood and they all had my mother and my father. I hated my mother. I hated my father. I was happy that my father was not around. I wished we didn’t take my mother’s help. My mother’s help in managing the house was a huge help. But I really wished we managed it ourselves. I still do. Balan was stressed out and did not recognise my depression. Hell, I didn’t recognise it myself. I was happy whenever the bottle feed came in to rescue. I took break. I was happy whenever the baby was taken away from me.

I beg to differ with my midwife who told me that I was a natural, by looking at how I breastfed Avni. I couldn’t baby talk. I just stared at her whenever she was handed to me.

Comments in my blog made me happy. True.

I was in total shock. I did not know what was coming. Realising that I had become a mother was something that felt very alien and at the same time a laughable concept to me. I couldn’t cope. I was amazed at other moms who were coping. Women from our antenatal group started going out to the town with babies while I was stuck in bed very much. The first time we went out for our stroll in the park, it took the whole day to get ready and prepare for the baby. It felt like moving a mountain with one hand.

I am glad I survived. The first time I went out leaving my baby at home to take up the exam, it felt really very different that there exists a world outside. I wanted to be away for longer. Interpretating assignments came in to rescue. They were desperate for a Tamil interpreter and I was happy to take that help to get back to normal. I enjoyed driving.

Baby started responding. I started enjoying her. We survived.

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. the mad momma
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 18:09:39

    and heres to many more days of enjoyment and barely surviving!!!

    Reply

  2. Uma
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 19:29:07

    Very honest post Prema. It made me smile and at the same time feel for you too

    Reply

  3. Sunita
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 19:36:21

    Feelings wise, it starts rising from here on, exponentially.

    Reply

  4. B o o.
    Apr 11, 2008 @ 22:07:20

    Only the responsibility loomed before me when the baby was handed over to me. You are so right. Only when the baby responds, smiles and does those unexplainable things like a special smile for you or the first laughter at nothing, things perk up.
    And Im so glad my father did nt come with my mom last time. It would have been a total nightmare. Even though hes retired from his job now, he offered to come a month or two later after my mom arrives this time. Smart man!! 😉

    Reply

  5. Anitha
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 16:59:28

    Very honest! It was such a relief when I went out for shopping with DH 7 weeks postpartum (Couldn’t go any earlier). Did not want to go back home, but had to. 🙂 I had almost forgotten there existed a world outside home. Thank god my mom was with us, I used to leave Nikki with her and go out for 3 hours, 2 or 3 times a week. I would be so looking forward to those breaks.

    Reply

  6. Poppins
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 21:19:41

    Wow, now that was honest ! I haven’t been here in a while (after Avni was born) just catching up on all your posts

    Reply

  7. Premalatha
    Apr 17, 2008 @ 11:53:25

    MM, thanks.

    Uma, thanks. 🙂

    Sunitha, thanks.

    Reply

  8. Premalatha
    Apr 17, 2008 @ 12:26:48

    Boo,
    When Avni was showing prefernce for me over others, I felt guilty for getting happy over it. 🙂

    My father came but left to India in a week. I was so happy that he did. 🙂
    .
    Anitha,
    I love shopping. with or without Avni. First time we went to shopping with her, it was such a mess. every one was in high alert mode. We went to Indian area (East Ham) where there are no baby changing rooms. She pooed! we immediately had to rush to the nearest Tesco. We are better organised now.

    I go out a lot leaving her at home these days. 🙂
    .
    Poppins, Congrats to you first of all. Have been reading here and there but couldn’t get around to comment on your blog.
    about being honest, well, someone has to do it. 🙂

    Reply

  9. Neha
    Apr 19, 2008 @ 12:43:45

    This is brilliantly honest. And somehow is strangely calming..

    Reply

  10. madura
    Apr 20, 2008 @ 11:56:20

    A beautiful honest post indeed. As Neha says it feels calming too.

    Reply

  11. RT
    Apr 21, 2008 @ 17:04:44

    When I read this post, I was like “how did you know what I felt exactly?”. Seriously, the baby feeding, yelling and fighting with hubby, help from parents seeming to be the biggest obligation… father tagging along with mother , coming here and giving mother hardtime with their day to day kachadas! mother making faces to us for no reason – ask me all about it!

    but as you say, today I’m the happiest with my two kids!

    Reply

  12. bsubra
    Apr 22, 2008 @ 16:04:41

    🙂

    Reply

  13. Premalatha
    Apr 22, 2008 @ 18:14:29

    Neha, Madura, Thanks.
    .
    RT, 🙂
    Balaji, 🙂

    Reply

  14. Michelle
    Apr 24, 2008 @ 18:58:32

    Life is always way more complicated than fairy tales, but also more of an adventure. I worried you might be struggling. I don’t think motherhood comes as naturally as storybooks imply.

    Do whatever you need to keep sane and regain your strength… except murdering family (like mothers, etc etc) I I know this one can be very tempting at times, but as a policeman once said to me (when my dad wanted to murder a horrible neighbour) “It isn’t worth the paperwork. 😉

    Reply

  15. jillu
    Apr 24, 2008 @ 23:32:03

    Wow!! Seems like quite the ordeal. I think it is best to leave desi fathers home. Nothing but a nuisance most of the time.

    Require more looking after than the new born most of them.

    Reply

  16. B o o.
    Apr 25, 2008 @ 18:28:28

    Jillu – Truer words have never been spoken!! But they are pretty useful the second time around to entertain the older one. I am hoping at least! But at the rate Im bashing him in Lathas comment space, hes not going to show up at all if he ever takes a look here! 😉

    Reply

  17. Premalatha
    May 01, 2008 @ 13:55:22

    Michelle, Thanks. 🙂 It isn’t worth the paper work indeed. 🙂
    .
    Jillu, Avni’s Desi father is a v.good father. He is a better carer than I am. Thanks to my 10 years of hard work on him. 😉
    .
    Boo, use all the commentspace if you want. bash anyone you like. blame it on the hormones. 😉

    Reply

  18. Deekshanya
    May 29, 2008 @ 11:22:17

    Wow! what a straight forward post! It was a very true expression of what all you went through. When reading this, many mothers like me would have heard their mind say “so someone else also felt that way! :)”!

    Super.keep rocking
    Cheers
    Deeksh

    Reply

  19. Premalatha
    Jun 16, 2008 @ 17:35:51

    Deekshanya, Thanks for dropping by.

    Reply

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