Invite for advise

How to stop people from advising me? For example like these… I have already reached my threshold with my pregnancy and people’s advise/comments/suggestions from their “experience” on many things. I don’t want anymore of them.

1. I do not want people telling me natchathiram/raasi of my child when they visit me. I do not want anyone predicting/fortune-telling anything about my baby. We are fine thank you.

2. I do not want unsolicited advises on any matter, be it on how to fix cold, or on how to go about anything for that matter. If I need advise I will ask.

3. I absolutely hate when people telling me “you look pale” kind of comments. I immediately interpret these comments as, according to their terms I look fairer than before, and according to their terms it is “good” and they cannot bear the thought that I can look better too, so they are commenting that I look “pale”. I have been tolerating when these types of comments were thrown at me like this, But I do not think I will if they say anything about my child. Not that I am a super-protective mother or a super-sensitive mother or super-sentimental mother. I think it is time the next generation gets to move on from these nonsenses. There is a possibility that my child might look like me, meaning, ugly in Indian terms. Balan is darker than me, so there is no any chance at all for my child to look “fair” or beautiful at all according to Indians. Please don’t advise me that *I* am thinking my child is not going to be beautiful etc, I am talking about how to stop annoying comments.

I suggested that we stick a notice on our door saying what kinds of comments are not welcome in our household. Balan is not ok with that. I am not ok with “smiling” at these commenters and then fuming about it later (which is what I am currently doing and have always been doing). I do not mind if I have to lose my entire social circle because of this notice.

Now, advise me please.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michelle
    Dec 10, 2007 @ 17:45:45

    I hate that and I hate the rude personal questions some people think they have a right to ask.

    My dad’s one of those calm cool people who can answer with a really outrageous reply that shuts people up. Me? I can’t talk when i’m angry – I just want to slap them! So I stand there, say nothing.. go home and scream.

    I had a friend in school who would answer anything you asked her, or said, with “Why do you want to know? Or just “Why??” It made people flustered and they’d shut up fairly fast after the third “WHY???”

    I wish I could remember to do that, but the best I can manage is just to stare at them saying nothing and hope they’ll get the hint and shut up.

    When it comes to babies and raising kids… given my mom’s experiences with all my dad’s family having opinions, advice, ideas… I’d say you need to become very VERY stubborn and deaf!

    Reply

  2. Anitha
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 03:41:37

    I second Michelle. Unsolicited advice will come to you from everywhere especially when you become a mommy. Develop some thick skin when you come home from the hospital.

    options:
    1. Be silent(don’t smile) and ignore (do not even look into their faces), if people are sensitive, they will get the message. I used to do this for extremely annoying cases.

    2. Tell them bluntly – “I do not believe in this nonsense”, or “My Ped or PB/GYN does not think so” or “this is how we do”

    Also avoid meeting people(the kind you are talking about) in the first few months, till you recuperate.
    Losing your social circle for this is not a good idea. Your baby needs social gatherings as she grows up, that is the reason I put up with many Indians here. Also, it will not only be Indians who will be giving you advice, you can expect it from non-indians too.
    Better become stubborn o

    Reply

  3. Michelle
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 12:19:25

    nice advice Anitha! 🙂 I might use these in a variation with annoying people who try to boss me.

    Reply

  4. Premalatha
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 13:50:32

    Anitha and Michelle,
    Thank you.

    Anitha,

    What good this social circle is going to do for my daughter if there are only bad examples and bad influences I can see now? I do not want my daughter to pick up anything from them. I am glad I have distanced myself from few of them already. Some of them are really very bad that they don’t take any hint, but they label me. I do not want my daughter to get labelled. That is my worry now.

    Reply

  5. Michelle
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 15:14:08

    Sadly… In every society and culture there are things that will get your kid labelled “different” or “unacceptable”.

    Childhood is tough – you either grow stronger or you end up with hang ups and emotional problems. On the plus side this kid is getting a mother who, I strongly suspect, will be there to help her be whoever she is and survive anything.

    Reply

  6. Premalatha
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 15:18:48

    Michelle, You have made my day. 🙂

    Reply

  7. Anitha
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 17:50:53

    Agree with Michelle.

    “What good this social circle is going to do for my daughter if there are only bad examples and bad influences I can see now?”

    Have asked this question so many times to myself. Your baby needs human interaction(not just parents & family) but other kids of her age group whom she would regularly see and play with in the initial years, it is crucial for normal child development and to avoid behavioural disorders. I do not know about your environment there, the condo where I live is all American but there is only kid who is of Nikki’s age. So, I am dependent on them. After Nikki grows up, goes to school and has his circle of friends, I can PROBABLY do away with them. 🙂 Most of them would have anyway gone back to India I guess. I can tolerate most of them, only a few get my goat.

    You must have heard of the term “necessary evil” – you cannot bring up your daughter in an isolated environment, she is anyway going to be exposed to all kinds of kinds of people as she grows up, fortunately she has a sensible mother in you, who will stand by her and make her see the sense(from all the nonsense around her). She will eventually learn to brush it off. Just see to it that it doesn’t bother you/her too much.

    Reply

  8. Premalatha
    Dec 11, 2007 @ 20:57:41

    //Your baby needs human interaction(not just parents & family) but other kids of her age group whom she would regularly see and play with in the initial years, it is crucial for normal child development and to avoid behavioural disorders. //
    .
    There are plenty of Mother-toddler group, parks where kids get to meet children of similar or older age… I am also planning to put her in nursery.
    .
    Most indians here align themselves with Indians/Indian-kids. They make sure these kids meet up once in a while and force the idea “that that kid is the best friend” down their kids throat. They do not care about age difference. As long as they are indian kids they are happy to let their children mix up with. Most of the time these kids are isolated living with their mothers. Most of the kids show underdevelopment. Some kids are violent. Some kids show clear disorders. Some kids are already bullies.
    .
    It is the adults’ attitudes that scares me.
    .
    //she is anyway going to be exposed to all kinds of kinds of people as she grows up//
    .
    true.
    .
    //fortunately she has a sensible mother in you, who will stand by her and make her see the sense(from all the nonsense around her).
    .
    Thank you.
    .
    //She will eventually learn to brush it off.//
    .
    Thanks. That gives hope.

    Reply

  9. Jay
    Dec 13, 2007 @ 06:21:25

    You mean the freakazoids don’t stop advising even after one is married? *sigh* Well, it means that I have a long way to go. And it does seem marriage & pregnancy attracts them in droves.

    Reply

  10. Premalatha
    Dec 13, 2007 @ 08:34:46

    Jay,
    it never stops. I thought not having baby invited trouble. No. Then, trying for baby invited advise. it continued. Pregnancy invites too many advises. Then wait, delivery/labour invites nothing but trouble. Then comes the big trouble, raising a child invites advise from all corners. 😦

    Reply

  11. பத்மா அர்விந்த்
    Dec 19, 2007 @ 14:57:13

    Premalatha
    Just say, you had your chance, ;let me have mine. we all need ot be different and brush it off. I agree with anita’s comment.

    Thanks for the link. beautiful!

    Reply

  12. Premalatha
    Dec 20, 2007 @ 14:08:39

    Hi Padma,
    thanks. 🙂

    Reply

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