The normal self

When the contractions started, I was into monitoring it and did not realise for a single minute that I was going to deliver a baby, well, eventually. No one hinted me that that means I was going to become a mother! I was monitoring, enjoying my monitoring skills, verifying my notes, reading blogs about bloody show, and was very relaxed as the pain wasn’t too bad and Anitha’s experience assured me (the assurance was my own assumption) that …. well, I cannot say, “it was not going to happen that day” because I did not realise something was going to happen in the first place. Yeah, call me an idiot, but, yes that was the truth. When the contractions started it did not occur to me that there was anything that was going to happen. True. Only when Boo commented about her bloody show and back labour, I realised that it could be IT! OMG! the panic hit me. I talked to the delivery suite and phoned Balan. In my defence, I didn’t feel the baby coming out of my vagina. That is what I was worried about before. Ignorant me used to think that the baby will start coming out as the labour kicks in and all my worry was I was going to deliver in the car. Ignorant me was all scared about the time duration balan was going to take to come home and to take me to the hospital. But when the labour really started, since there was no baby coming out, I didn’t realise it was labour, though I was all blogging about it. And certainly was not realising that I was going to deliver. Boo’s comment scared me. I realised that I may be in labour.

We went in. I took some cassava with me for snacking. Pain was getting severe. Midwives were busy. We were waiting. I remembered that I hadn’t filled in my birthing choices and plan, so I started writing it. I just wrote that “I want C section. Please refer my consultant’s notes. No epidural please. Please give me general anesthesia.” That is all. Then I remembered that I should eat something and I was hungry. I ate some cassava. Midwife came. I was given a bed for internal examination. They checked. I was told that I had dilated 6cm! Then they tried to convince me for normal delivery.  All my worry at that time was to convince them for C section. nothing else. I could think absolutely nothing else. It looked like I convinced them or they failed to convince me for normal delivery. They even tried some awwww things such as “I touched your baby’s head”. I thought, well, hurry then please, but I was not willing to deliver normally.  I was given a bed and was told that I was officially admitted for the delivery.

Anesthetist came to discuss with me. He started filling in the consent form. One of the questions was, “did you eat anything in the last six hours”? “yes, some cassava”! Then you have to wait for another six hours before we can do surgery”. ”Then how do you do the emergency C”?  Well, the argument continued. surgeon refused to operate on me as I posed a risk of dying by asphyxiation if given general anesthesia. All I was worried at that time was that they were trying to convince me as after six hours it might be too late for C and they might ask me to deliver normally. I even said that to the on-duty obstetrician. He was upset with me. An Indian doctor was brought in to talk to me thinking that he might be able to reach me. He thought he was making me feel  better by saying something about indians which was very offensive to the whites and I apologised to the white doctors on his behalf. the story continued… It was only two hours to go, to complete the six hours gap,  so they  put their foot on the ground and told me that they will operate only after the midnight. I was happy that I lied to them about when I actually ate my cassava…

When the doctors left the room, I started realising the pain. It was excruciating. the interval was shorter. No pain relief for me. gas and air didn’t help. Still I kept on taking gas and air. Balan was sent out to look for the doctors for every five minutes.  At 11pm IV cannula was put on me as a preparation step as well as a reassurance for me to keep me calm. I was calm and silent alright, thanks to the pain. I was all silent and staring at a point on the wall trying to control the pain. I do not know how people shout when they are in pain. I could not open my  mouth. Balan was staring at me and looking at the monitor. He could figure out when I was in pain only by looking at the monitor that was showing the contractions. I was talking (read, asking balan to check for the doctors) when I was not in pain.

Midnight came. I was wheeled into OT. One last internal examination revealed that I had dilated 9cm. obstetrician shook his heads and looked at me. I was talking to the surgeon who was applying gel on my tummy where he was going to cut. They delayed anesthesia and did as much preparation as they could before putting me to sleep, so that the duration I was going to be kept under anesthesia would be less to save me from asphyxiation.

When I woke up (3am), I shouted “pain killer please, pain killer please” and shook my head vigorously as I was in pain. Someone came and went. I shouted again. I could see Balan and a glass box which looked like had a baby. someone came and went I heard Balan’s voice informing me that “She is gorgeous”.  (Balan told me that I was given pain killer the first time I shouted, but as I shouted again, the doctors gave me more morphine) When I woke up again I saw Balan and a glass box with a baby and there was a nurse. She asked me if I could hold the baby. I screamed “NO”! I corrected immediately, “well, I had caesarean, I am not supposed to carry the baby yet”! The nurse had to explain it to me that I was being transfered to the postnatal ward and she was only going to keep the baby in my bed as she was not supposed to carry the baby herself. There started my life as a mummy (4am)!

Avni was born at 00:36 hrs.